I posted this as a comment over at Ozy’s blog, but I figured it was a long enough ramble that it might as well be a tumblr post. Cut because it’s yet another post about incels and Nice Guys and all that stuff you don’t want to read yet another post about
I’ve always believed that the grain of truth to “girls only go for assholes” culture is that…people who see this spectrum aren’t completely wrong.
In the world we live in, the world of Schrodinger’s Rapist, putting yourself out there at all is kind of an asshole move. Men (if they’re decent and paying attention) are aware that many women are sick of male attention, any male attention with a sexual bent, and that hitting on someone in any way has a strong potential to make that person really unhappy or uncomfortable, especially if you have poor social skills or trouble reading people.
If you’re aware that any attempt to make a romantic or sexual connection could really easily end up threatening and unpleasant, then you have a clear moral imperative to never hit on anyone. And therefore you’re alone, and you see people who do hit on people (assholes by definition) succeeding in their romantic endeavours, which leads to bitterness and resentment against both the “assholes” and against the women who “reward their behavior,” their behavior being “having the temerity to ever approach anyone.”
this is also what leads otherwise-decent people into “friendzone” thinking: approaching people in explicitly platonic ways doesn’t incur this worry that you’ll hurt them or make them uncomfortable with your attention. (This is of course contrary to reality: friendly approach by someone who gives you the heebie-jeebies is probably going to cause a lot more distress than a socially-competent pass. But I think this is the construction going on in their heads.) Because these people see themselves as performing the correct and moral actions of never subjecting women to explicitly sexual attention, they end up feeling like they deserve a reward.
i guess the point I’m trying to make is, I completely agree with your post and find it very illuminating, but I question the central thesis that there is a complete qualitative disconnect between the confidence of decent human behavior and the confidence of asshole hypermasculinity. existing as a man in patriarchal society means that acting with even a baseline, moderate level of confidence can make you a threatening figure.
